mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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