The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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