Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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