I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
