I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
