can we get nightvision for the apartment?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
