apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I don't deserve a penis
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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