Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
FUCK WHALES
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
