naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
