i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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