dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
