fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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