His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
