it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
