Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
