i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
