you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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