if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
