just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
