My room smells like vodka and shame
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
