So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
