good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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