great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
