I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
