Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
