Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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