before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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