ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
