Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
