I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
