I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
