I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
