she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
