The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
