Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
