i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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