one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
