i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
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