i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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