how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
