I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
