they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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