things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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