everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
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