I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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