Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
