we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
