i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
