Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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