I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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